During the last 20 years, I’ve dealt with a fair share of narcissists both in my personal and professional life. Although the environments have been different, the narcissistic behavior was parallel, which is why conversing with them has required the same strategy. Conversing with a toxic person can sometimes leave you feeling like your head is swirling in a murk of chaos because they often refuse to recall the truth, the facts, or the reality of what really happened and what was said. Instead, they often create their own reality. One thing is for certain, engaging with and interacting with a toxic person can be extremely exhausting, which is why copious note-taking will help you stay sane.
“Creating chaos and confusion is their superpower”
At the Office – It is important to strategize when trying to decide how to have a conversation with a toxic colleague– face-to-face or virtual. If you can’t avoid the in-person exchange, be sure to record the meeting with your smartphone or pull in a third or fourth person as a witness and you should definitely take detailed notes. If it’s a virtual meeting, be sure there’s a recording. If you don’t trust that they will tell the truth, a documented record will be your saving grace and it is a way to assure the meeting also remains civil. The toxic person doesn’t want to look bad to others, so many times recording the meeting is a way to make sure their potential bad behavior, manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse stays in check. As you may have already experienced, handling conversations in this manner is something you must accept because if not, the interaction could become a terribly frustrating experience, leaving you to question yourself and doubt your ability as an employee. You can’t always rely on the toxic colleague to tell the truth or remember the facts of the conversation. Their version will be distorted and look and sound differently than how it actually happened, and that will make your mind feel crazy and chaotic. It’s called gaslighting. They gaslight, lie, and manipulate so often, it seems second nature for them.
In my experience, what I’ve had to realize when dealing with a toxic person is that I was not interacting with someone who necessarily operated from a place of true leadership, empathy, reasonableness, accountability, or exercised care for the truth. In my experience, the narcissist only cared about the parts of the conversation that made them look good to others or they positioned themselves to take credit for other’s work.
For example, if you’re discussing a project with multiple deliverables and the narcissist is required to contribute and they haven’t, they will try and make you believe that their portion was never discussed and you in fact ‘don’t remember the original conversation correctly’ or that the assignment(s) was something they ‘never agreed to.’ Expect the narcissist or toxic colleague to also be late to the meeting or skip meetings altogether if they anticipate being held accountable for something. If they do attend the meeting, be sure everything that’s agreed upon is well-documented in a previous follow up email or a PDF document and shared with multiple team members so there is complete clarity and no room for questioning or distorting the truth. Remember, you are surviving (not thriving) in an abnormal environment and with an individual (s) who exhibits abnormal and toxic behavior. Their goal is to maintain control, even at the expense of the truth and true leadership.
Listen to this podcast episode about the different types of narcissists at work and how to deal with them
In a Relationship – Much of what’s mentioned above is applicable in a personal relationship as well. I have found myself treating conversations like a transaction. I’ve had to remove emotion and be very matter-of-fact and detailed so that nothing can be flipped or distorted. The narcissist will try and deflect, lie, lash out, deny and change the topic of the conversation as a distraction to avoid accountability. They will often try and latch on to something insignificant in the conversation just to derail it, causing confusion. Their goal is to throw you off balance, leading to an argument, and then escalating it until you lose control. Creating chaos and confusion is their super-power.
At Work + In Relationships – Writing everything down may feel gross and over-complicated. You may even question the validity of doing that and you may even think back to a time when you could actually have a face-to-face with that person and it went ok. Maybe there were a few exchanges that didn’t go sideways but if you think about it, there may have been plenty more that did go off the rails. Recalling those instances is important as it will further validate the necessity of the boundary and it being maintained.
It’s also important to spell things out in detail. This will take time, thought, and strategy but you don’t want to give them an opportunity to poke holes or find a weak spot in what you’re communicating. You’ll need to build a fortress around your words and again, treat it like a transaction, void of emotion. The tone of the exchange will be argued as well, probably just as much as the words themselves. The toxic person may even accuse you of speaking to them in a “disrespectful tone” and they may feel attacked by what you’ve said. Stay above the fray, focus on the facts and stick to them!
Expect the narcissist to respond by asking you why. You don’t need to get into a back and forth exchange and you don’t need to answer that question. Does it really deserve an explanation? Probably not. Once you state the facts and there’s nothing else for you to say, leave the conversation – ghost them, and don’t get drawn back in – easy to do if your conversation is in writing. Their goal is to maintain control and keep you engulfed in a meaningless, energy-sucking exchange. They want your attention and your power. Don’t relinquish your own power by giving in to theirs.
