Lots of people stay in toxic relationships thinking they are saving their children from the damage of divorce. What I’ve learned is that staying in a loveless, abusive relationship is worse and does more harm to the children than good. This writing is taken from a chapter of my book, Married to a Narcissist.
STAYING FOR THE CHILDREN
If you think you’re staying for the sake of children, you’re not. You’re likely staying because you’re too scared- scared of a myriad of things- what you’ll do on your own, how will you make it on your own, how angry will your partner be with your leaving, will the children be sad and depressed, how will you handle visitation and the drop offs and the list of ‘talking yourself out of leaving’ reasons.
The truth is, you’re not staying for the children’s sake. Thinking you don’t want to break up the family or the household is a lie. It’s false. Children know when the household is off and when their parents aren’t happy and one of you is being abused. The abuse has not only affected you but it’s affecting your children in tangible and intangible ways. Although they may not recognize it in physical form, they see it and they feel it. They feel when the narcissist needs to have the last word. They feel it when scenarios always come back to the narcissist. They feel it when their abused parent’s face changes. They feel it when you’re hiding and hiding something.
They feel it in gestures. They feel it when the abuser lashes out. They feel it when the abuser can’t hold it in anymore.
The thing about children is that they are insightful, perceptive creatures and they always know. You’re not protecting them from anything, you’re only keeping the truth from them and that’s all they want. They just want the truth and love.
They feel it when they go to school and they can’t focus. They feel it when they get in the car after school and notice your face is wrinkled from worry and fear.
Fear is that monster that sits on the edge of your shoulder whispering hateful lies- it laughs every time you flinch. It laughs every time you sigh at the end of the work day. It laughs when you stay past quitting time. It laughs every time you take the long way home- prolonging the inevitable. It laughs when it sees you believing what it’s said to you.
Fear is crippling and fear is happy when you’re complacent. Complacency may seem like a better state of life but there is no change in complacency. Everything stays the same. There’s only fear to keep you from a happier life.
Fear is only alive when you give it life. Never be afraid to leave a toxic relationship, thinking it will hurt the children. Leaving is an act of courage that will help you and your children heal. They need to see you at peace and in a happier state of mind. Your child or children also need to know that an abusive, toxic environment is not what a loving and healthy relationship looks like. Breaking the cycle takes strength and bravery and you have to be the champion who designs a better future for yourself and your children.
Purchase a signed copy of Married to a Narcissist here.
